16August09
Today is really a horrible n terrible day for me.... I have 3hrs of slp n woke up with headache. Cant stop de pain n went to work with a positive mindset, hope tat everything will go well but didnt expect tat around 2plus, my grandma call n said my youngest sister have a very high fever of 40 degree. She say tat is getting worst n she hope i can go home straight after work so i can bring my sis to see a doctor. I get very worried cos she suddenly sick n tmr is her birthday, i pity her n hope tat she can recover, she even beg me to buy tibits n sweets for her friends so tat tmr she go to sch her classmates will sing bday song for her. The worst thing is tat today is sunday, very difficult to find a clinic. I really have a hard time today.
I feel so tired n sleepy, i do not wan to complain but i was thinking why is it always me.... Where de hell are my brothers??? Both of them went to church, so is it my fault tat i went to work!! They cant even help me with something simple by jus bringing her to de doctor, i think they don even noe tat she is sick. I am jus a BIG SISTER, i am not a father or mother, i am jus a teenager like others mus i do all tis things. From de start till now i have been doing so many things, yes i complain but who really listen to me, understand n see wat i have done for tis family. Is it i have not done enough or not good enough to meet wat they want.... Is it de fact tat woman have to do all tis.... If my brothers can at least share a bit of my burden, do something simple which care this family, i am happy enough.
After i have talk wit my grandma over de phone, i really wan to leave early but haven handover then something very stupid happen, i cant handover n need to spent 1 hour plus to find de money when it is jus there, is my mistake. It is also my last working day of de mth, going for 3 weeks of studying break. Feel so guilty for not studying, ppl r putting hopes in me, so wat if i am not happy, feel stress... I still have to spent each n every day....
At de end of de day i blame myself, i don noe wat is gd enough, i don need anyone to appreciate, i think tis is wat i owe n wat i have to do, cant escape de. I once ask my younger brother, " am i a gd sister" he say ok lor. I feel disappointed n tis proof tat he expect more then wat i am doing now. I can only say tat i have tried my best to do de best i can for tis family, if really not enough i sincerely apologise. Feel sad :(
On 15/8/09, i really feel very happy over a simple thing n i have de sense of family going out tgt. I went out wit my grandma friend... she have ask me to go for many times but i always rejected but ytd i agree.There r a total of 8 of us. Jus a few hrs at IKEA n GAINT really let me feel tat even eating $1 hotdogs bread tgt n laughing tgt is also a very happy thing. Jus a simple thing, it is full of happiness n deep in my heart is gd enough le cos all tis is not what i can easily get from my own family...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
2Augusto9
Wawaa.. already August le!!!! Days r nearer, feeling so scare n starting to panick, left wit 86days. Well, life still de same... study, ACP, tution, self-revision n beside tat still study. I believe as long as i put in effort, i will sure get some unexpected results de. Even a bit of improvement, i will also be very happy. Since sch reopen, is already 5weeks le, i feel so proud of myself cos i have been attending sch everyday n nvr late before, hahah :)
Tat day, my art teacher say i can only get B4 for my canvas painting... feel so sad n want to give up cos art is de only subject which i like n have high hope in. I aim for A2, hope tat my sketches can pull me up. This few days i am having tution mararthon... wed, fri, sat, sun n tmr. Tiring but tis is de only way tat will help me to improve. On sat, i fall asleep in between de tution lesson... so tired after work, straight after work without resting then tution. Brain not working n when my tutor gave me 4hrs of tution, i almost went insane.
Just because of tution, i miss alot of things. I cant go to de last farewell dinner for my CCA(cabin) is also de last gathering n i also miss de dinner wit my aunt n uncle... my brothers left without me :( So sad but nvm, i noe wat is more important. Ytd working, feeling tired cos only have 4hrs of slp n almost late... So many customer ever since de promotion of filet n shaker fries.
I also have rejected alot of things which i really want such as watch movie, go out wit friends, have dinner with friends, chitchat wit friends... wuwuwu!!! Just bear wit it first, it will be over very fast de. Mus learn to be self-control. Can do it de...
Monday, July 13, 2009
13Julyo9
Today, my form teacher praise me... she say my attendance have become very gd n i am so happy. I believe as long as i put in effort, i will get something de. Eventhough is tiring, but i will always tell myself tat de journey is getting shorter, only left with 106days to go. Everyday studies till very late then sometime come home still got tution but i will still bear with it. Eventhough i still don noe wat course i wan to study but i believe tat i can make it to poly. Hahas..
Ytd work, like running station... Run MDS de whole morning alone n hold cash. Some problem cope up n make me feel very moody cos have been doing for so long le still can make mistake n feel very puzzle... i keep thinking bout it de whole night n even my eyes r close but my mind r not. Forget it le, but as for one thing... which is i still prefer de last time memories. Sometime i really hope tat by going to work will make me feel abit more happy n relax cos after 6days of studying, working is a form of relief even sometime i feel tired but sometime i feel tat too long nvr work, i lose de interest in it le, even will thought of give up.I noe i shld not think tat way cos is very hard to be a TFM but i will ask myself, is tis wat i really wan.
I don wan think le, no point... i will noe de answer soon n will make a decision which i will not regret after my O-level. Studies first, don think of anything, leave all de thinking after tat. At least i feel tat once sch reopen, i am more happy n life is getting more meaningful. 106days left
Saturday, July 4, 2009
4 July 09
Today is my working day, finally after 12days for not going to store. I really look forward cos working make me happy n another reason. Well as for today, i am holding cash n there r no M4 manager so i have to wait for my boss to come at C shift to handover. Actually i suppose to meet shuzhen at city hall at 4.30pm but i really cant make it. At ard 2 plus, ws want me to close cash n handover to him n now poor ws still in store working. He is going to work from M- C shift. I left store at 5pm cos i feel abit bad n now nobody at home, if i noe i shld stay abit longer. Today working r really fun n sales r quite good.
When sch reopen, i really have the feeling tat things r getting better cos my mind r all bout studies n not de problems i have. Everyday lesson till 5 plus, eventhough is tiring but it will end very fast. Now i have change a new tutor, she quite young.. bout 20 plus but compare to de previous one, i find her much better. With so many support from friends, teachers n family.... no matter how hard is it i will not give up de. hahas
Sunday, June 28, 2009
28June09
Today is last day of holiday.. is raining now n i noe de heaven is sad as i am. I can never be de best, is jus not gd enough to de expectation. I am such a failure. I am not a gd daughter, who don understand my parents n wat they need, i cant make them be proud of me n make them happy. I am not a gd friend, i am always de one who hurts others n now i finally noe y till now i am always alone in tat world. I am not a gd sister, i cant set a gd example n i always throw my temper on them without any reasons. I am not a gd granddaughter, she can do everything for me yet i cant do something simple for her. I am not a gd employee, i feel tat i have let down my team n not there wit them, i didnt play my part at all. I am not a gd student, i have disappoint my teachers again n again. I AM JUS A NOBODY TO ANYONE...
As wat i have said.. tis year really sux n is hard. I no longer noe wat is de meaning of happiness... Who will really understand how i feel? Forget it, it is jus a huge mistake to be tracy.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
21June09
It's been a long time since i update my blog. A lot of things to write...Today is father day yet i don noe, i thought is on 26th.. luckily one of de rider, sam told me, he said his family is going for dinner. So xinfu!!! Well.. as for me, is de same for every year, just a call n say happy father day, that's it. Is jus a occasion. Today working, running shift n production, very tiring cos my 2 powerful CL r on leave. Haha.. but is quite fun.
I am having home tution now, i don really like him but he is here to help me so jus give it a try n it is so difficult to ask my dad n he agreed. School holidays pass so far tat in 1 week time i will be in school. Really looking forward to go school cos is so boring at home wit 2 noisy sisters, 2 noisy neighbour kids who always wants to come to my house n a baby who cries everyday.
My dad told me to give up if i have tried my best, he say i have been very quiet, strange n unhappy ever since i studied in express stream. He don wan me to stress n struggle, he scare i end up become crazy n talk to myself while walking. He said he will support me in everything n if i really cant go far, he will always be there for me to depend on. I don noe is he encouraging me or wat, i suddenly feel a sense of belonging in my dad's heart. He say he really hope tat i could call him often n talk to him, not bout studies n money but others. I wish tat in future there will be a chance for me to celebrate father day wit him cos i have already miss it so many times.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
10June09
Haix... wat to do?? Y cant my life be more simple, always ther r more things piling up. I cant breathe le, cant take it anymore... how to be happy, always finding for happiness but wat i get was sorrow n sadness. Family, money n studies...
I jus meet a new friend, shu zheng, she is quite a nice girl n on 8/6/09 i had lunch wit her at mos burger, n we talk alot bout studies n i agree wat she told me. I really wan to work hard but ther r always family problem tat cause me to worry n i cant concentrate. I really confuse, i don noe wat to do, i really wish to go far cos i wan my family to feel proud of me, i wan to set a gd example for my sis n bro. I hope tat at de end of it i can tell myself tat i have already did my best n tat is de maximun i can do n not regret for y i didnt work hard enough. I don wan to live wit regrets... My dad r not doing well ther n i have been owing sch fees for 6mths. Actually i really feel like give up n put a full stop. It is very tiring when no one in de family noe wat i am doing n wat i have done, no one understand, no one share my burden.
My uncle wan me to have a tution teacher but did he ever think whether can i afford to have even if i wan n i need. I don even noe how to ask my dad cos tution need money. I noe my results sux, but i am trying hard to do something bout it, i have already put mac aside n trying hard to look for someone to help me. I have already stop going out n have fun cos i will spent money n i need to study.
I am getting more n more afraid, i don wan to leave s'pore, can i ?? The situation r bad, things r getting complicated. I don wan to think but wat if it really happen... when i don have a choice to choose n my bright future r gone n vanish... how strong can i be.